Vulnerability

One of my best and worst traits is that I tell people EVERYTHING.

To a fault.

And I am usually the one who suffers or feels the consequences of sharing too much.

I don’t know why I do it.

But the hardest lesson I always learn is that sharing isn’t always a good thing.  And it is normally not a good thing when I share something too early.  Something that hasn’t had time to settle.  Something that still has movement and life and is changing.  It hasn’t stopped and when I share it, it will become something different shortly after.

What I need to do is learn to be still with things.  Especially things that are happening to me.  I need to be still and wait for the movement to stop.  Because when the stuff I want to share slows down, it is then that I am grateful that I kept the story to myself. OR, I feel confident that the story is now ready to be told, because it is what it is, and it is safe to share.

The hardest for me is when I share something too soon with someone I trust and love and their worry and concern turns against me.  This can make me very mad.  Especially when I have been honest and vulnerable and open and down.

Someone very close to me and whom I love dearly judged me.

Judged me in the harshest way.  For all people to judge me on marriage.  On fighting.  On doing the right thing.  Very hard to take.

My whole childhood was full of arguing.  Fighting. Abuse. Control. Pain. Sadness. Suffering. Isolation.

Fear.

Fear all the time.

Fear has been the one constant.

Fear of expressing myself.

Fear of getting hurt.

Fear of disappointing.

Fear of saying what I wanted to say.

Fear of losing someone.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of love.

Fear Fear Fear Fear.

Fear has paralysed me many times.

Fear has moved me many times.

Fear is my enemy and my saviour.

Fear makes you vulnerable, and being vulnerable sets you up for hurt and pain.

How do you become less vulnerable? When do you let people in and tell them what you are going through and what you are feeling.  Is it better to tell people that don’t mean that much to you?  Or should you tell those that are closest to you?

Right now the answer is not to tell those that are closest to me. To share my story here, with you, anonymously.

Live my life.  Live my life without sharing my story…yet.

I am still working through it. My story still has so many more chapters.  So many more trials and tests that I will fail and succeed at.

My story should be told once it is still.

Once there is peace in my heart.

Once judgment won’t hurt because I am ok with my story.

Judgment hurts when you are still processing.  When the work is not done.  And when the work is not done, the story is not ready to be told.  But one day it will be.  And I hope that day is soon.