Fail

My head is splitting with the most excruciating headache I have ever had.

Tears spill down my face

I’ve failed

My stomach turns over and over and my face meets the porcelain bowl…. 3 times

Tears spill down my face

I’ve failed

By body aches all over

Tears spill down my face

I’ve failed

My eyes are blurry and it’s hard to see

Tears spill down my face

I’ve failed

I missed work, too sick and upset to go in.

Tears spill down my face

I’ve failed.

It started with left over wine on the counter.  Just sitting there from when we had company.  7 days had gone by and I looked at it everyday.  Poured one glass for myself in the middle of the week thinking it would be ok… but then felt guilty and poured in back in the bottle. (I should have poured it down the drain…. but I didn’t want it gone).

Then on Thursday I gave myself permission to have a glass…. Which was all that was left anyways in the bottle.  I felt confident that this would be ok, since there was no more.  So nothing bad could happen.

The next night while fighting a cold I made the smart choice and I had a tea.

On Saturday after work and after putting my son to bed I feel like staying up and I feel like I JUST WANT TO RELAX.  I JUST WANT TO BE A LITTLE BIT BAD.  I JUST WANT TO EAT SOME CHIPS.  AND I JUST WANT TO HAVE A FEW DRINKS!

Is that so bad?

So I do.

It felt great.  My old friend was back.  My husband and I talked for a long time.  We had great conversation. We laughed.  And I went to bed and slept like a baby.

But Sunday was a bit sluggish.  Not as productive at all compared to all my other Sundays where I have been getting up early and taking the family to church.

No church this Sunday.

Bad choice.

Monday, I feel not so hot.  Tired.  Don’t go to Yoga.

Tuesday bad bad bad day at work.  Feeling very worn down and tired.  Looking forward to going to the movies with my girlfriends. The movie is Girl on a Train.  She is an alcoholic. I feel her.  I relate to her.  I want to have a drink with her and feel each others sorrows.

I come home.

My husband has put our son to bed.  And my mouth is salivating.  I really want a drink.  I am sure my husband has hidden something in our house.  So I ask.  He hesitates.  I ask again more forcefully.  He still hesitates.  I then try and justify why I want a drink.

Just one.

I want to talk.

I’m not feeling well.  Maybe having a drink will help my cold.

I really need to relax.

I’ve been so good.

What harm can it possibly do?

Lots.

I have 3 very strong drinks.  On a Tuesday night!!!!

I stumble to bed.

I pass out.

Alarm goes off.

My head splits wide open.  My stomach rolls right over.  My mind crashes.

I HAVE FAILED.

I AM RIGHT WHERE I WAS BEFORE.

WHY DID I DO IT???

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WTH ME!!!!

I cannot go to work.  I cannot take my son to school.

My husband does it all. I sleep all day.

 

 

What a waste being wasted is.

Being wasted robs you of everything.

EVERYTHING.

And you WILL FAIL at EVERYTHING.

Being a mother, being a wife, being a daughter, sister, friend, worker…. You will fail.

My rope unraveled for some reason.  I still don’t know why.  Except that I fooled myself.  I felt like it was ok because I felt stronger.  I felt like I could handle it.  I felt like it wouldn’t happen again.  I felt like if I just got drunk one time it would be okay, because it’s fun… and I need some fun.

FAIL

The only thing I can say that is positive, if anything at all, is how sick I felt.  Before, a night like this wouldn’t have done as much damage to me.  So I am assuming that my levels of tolerance have for sure gone down.  But it is a FAIL.

But perhaps it is also a LESSON that I need to learn.

My body is not strong enough for this.  My body can’t have this poison.  My body deserves better.

My mind is fragile.  My spirit is fragile. My everyday is fragile.  I need to understand this.  I need to believe it.  I need to stop thinking that I am stronger than I am or I will fail.

In the end perhaps it is better to be fragile and safe.  Than feel strong and abandon yourself.

I need to show up for myself.  I need to be kind to myself.  I need to nourish my mind and soul and body.   Daily.  I need to recommit to myself.

Now I know the outcome.  I tried and failed and that is ok.

Thank God for tomorrows.

I am looking forward to my tomorrow.