The End of My Marriage

I enter 2022 broken…..again…..

This time it’s ALL gone.

My marriage ended in the fall.

I moved out of our ‘home’ in November.

Got an apartment in the ‘city’.

Made more money than I ever had and am totally broke.

Gained more weight.

Started drinking again, trying to convince everyone that I’m okay.

Felt uncontrollable heartache as my ex husband found what he needed in someone else.

Navigated Covid with polarizing views on the vaccine.

Confused about my Country, our politics and if our best interests are really their concern.

Spent Christmas and New Years alone.

Drinking to forget it all….but with a distant thought that this old pattern has to end.

The hardest part is now done.

My marriage is over.

There 

Done

No more

As it should be

There are no tears from anyone but me

That should be a big wake up sign

But….

Perhaps because I am stubborn or my pride is damaged, I cried.

A lot

There are some marriages that need second chances and even third chances.

We were one of those

But

We had hundreds of chances

Trying and alway failing

Coming to the same realization

We don’t work together

Never had and never will.

When this happens to your life, you begin to question every decision you’ve ever made.

The trail of wreckage and carnage that is the summary of your relationship has you questioning your judgement and you lose faith in yourself

I’ve been in survival mode for 15 years.

Hanging on by my fingernails.

Hoping for change 

Wishing for true connection

Instead we are left with two empty souls walking away from each other

He has hope for his future

I have a blank page of nothing

I can’t see the future right now.

So I drank, and drank and drank.

Alone

Miserable

Self loathing

Knowing this is going to ruin me 

I stay in bed for days

Crawling in and out

Restless 

Bored 

Alone

Body aching

Feeling broken

I just need this time.  It is important.

I need to get to the very bottom.

Again.

Always all or nothing.

Now that there is totally nothing, I finally feel like I can start again.

I have no more nails to hang on to anything

My rope is flailing 

Trying to throw me off

But with all my might I am going to tie the knot one more time.

I am going to double knot it this time, because the baggage I am carrying is heavier than it has ever been.

The knot is tied.

Now I begin.

Thankful for this life of many chances.

Thankful that today is going to be DAY ONE AGAIN.

But I don’t care anymore how many day one’s I have had.

You can’t not try again.

You have to keep trying no matter what!

So I enter 2022 hanging on tight.

Thankful for a new day.

Thankful for all of my friends and family that have been by my side.

My circle of friends has always been small but they are all the best people going through their own lives, but carving out a place for me.  

Listening and watching and waiting.

I know now that I have been grieving.

Grief is a feeling I haven’t had to really deal with yet.

I am not familiar with all the stages except that the last stage is ACCEPTANCE.

I’ve been sad, in denial, angry, aggressive and now I accept.

I have a new life.

And I don’t want to bring my old junk with me.

I want to leave it at the curb and let the garbage man come and pick it up.

I have no idea how I am going to do this new life

All I know is that it’s going to be one day at a time, because that is one thing that has always worked for me.

I am going to remove that that does not serve me

I am going to put myself first.

For the first time in a long time.

I am going to start day one again.

The house is Alcohol free.

I am going to keep it simple for now.

No big plans yet.

Just get out of bed, shower, read, write, work and get inspired and motivated

2022 is going to be about healing, inside and out.

….healing….hmmm that sounds good.

xo