Discovery

Something happened recently in my family that made me clearly see that I had a drinking problem.

It wasn’t something that just happened.  It wasn’t something that I could have stopped.

It just was a fact.

Being unsure who to reach out to about this, I started to write. I wrote furiously for weeks.  And what came out made my heart and mind ache.

The depths of my guilt.

The relief of expressing myself to my husband.

The pain of pouring all our alcohol down the drain.

The realization that drinking is going to be really hard to quit.

Failing and trying to do better… everyday.

The mental mind fuck I play with myself every night.

And mostly, knowing that if I didn’t do something soon to remedy my situation everything was going to fall apart…primarily me.

So, I kept on writing.  And it felt good.  I started sharing my story with a handful of people and I began to feel that by letting people in, I was now holding myself accountable.

What I began to realize was that I am a work in progress.  When I sat down and really thought about why I was drinking, I realized that I was a walking disaster! But I also realized that many of the difficulties in my life, the things I thought I would never get through, I overcame.  I made a list of obstacles that have welcomed themselves into my life and it was pretty clear to see that even just one of these events would be hard to handle, let alone all of them. Here are a few:

·         Depression

·         Anxiety

·         Weight issues

·         Infertility

·         Bankruptcy

·         Repossession

·         Isolation

·         Fear…of everything

·         Abusive Father (physical and mental)

·         Homelessness

·         Self Doubt

·         Runaway Bride (2 times)

·         Alcoholism/Addiction

Pretty depressing list eh?  So, I am making no excuses for drinking…but life has been a bit challenging to say the least.

But then I stop, and I remember who I once was and the woman I desperately want to be.   I know she is in there, we have met a few times.  She was a:

·         Risk taker

·         Spontaneous

·         Fun

·         Happy

·         Positive

·         Confident

·         Healthy

·         Fit

·         Intelligent

·         Successful

·         Life seeker

·         Journey taker

·         Voyageur

To be honest, she was a pretty cool chick! 😉

She had 3 big dreams.  She thought they were simple to achieve. She wanted lots of kids, four to be exact.  She wanted to travel the world and write.  Period.

But one thing I have learned to date is that you may have a plan for your life, but life has its own plan. Ain’t that the truth.  Ugh!!! How inconvenient!!!  But also, how perfect.  And you know what? You don’t start realizing that until you get older.  Yes, I said it.  I know it sucks but that’s the truth.  That is the beauty and misery of life. It’s not until you fuck up that you realize oh shit I shouldn’t have done that! Ha!

Now I know that 4 kids would have killed me! Seriously!!! What the hell was I thinking?!?!  God blessed me and my husband with one beautiful boy who was conceived with the help of science.  And I’m still not too sure what was put into that mixture that was injected into me, but I gave birth to the most perfect little boy who has the energy, personality, emotions, tantrums, expressions and love of 4 kids wrapped into one!!

I give thanks for him everyday.

As for travelling, well ironically in my twenties I worked on cruise ships and did travel the world, but when I settled down and got married I chose my husband over the world and haven’t traveled since. Our traveling experience has been through moving homes 7 different times in 10 years.  The latest being a knee jerk reaction to move my family across the country when my husband lost his job.  We made the decision to move and all was said and done, with my husband on a plane and gone in 3 days, with us following 3 months later.  Yes, I am not one for thinking things through.  So, Cold Lake Alberta is where we currently reside.  We have been here now for half of my son’s life…which is 4 years.  If you haven’t heard of Cold Lake…give it a google…it’s 6 hours north of Calgary and yes, it is cold.

So, travel…yes… I guess I have.

And write.  Well no I haven’t.  Not in the last 15 years.  And I guess that may be a good thing.  When I wrote in my younger days, it was when I felt totally helpless, with no one to talk to. Writing as it is for most, was my outlet of expression and release of emotion.  But my husband is now that for me.  He is my person.  He let’s me be me… to a fault. He is the one I am my best with, and sadly the one I am my worst with.  We by no means have the perfect marriage.  That is a whole other blog, but we try. EVERY DAY.  And the struggle is real.  And alcohol was by no means helping us.

So, that is why I have started this blog.  To write.  To express myself.  To tell the truth.  To let people in.  To maybe help someone who is going through similar issues. And to try.  To try and get better.  To try and go for the BIG dreams.  The ones I really want now.  Like health, happiness and love for myself.

So, I start this journey today and I hope that you join me.  It’s called The Female Project because I am still a work in progress.  And I have big plans and goals and I know it’s going to take one day at a time, but I am ready.

Thanks for reading.