Being strong is hard and tiring. I knew it would be hard, but feeling so tired, I wasn’t expecting that. I thought I would be full of energy and ready to grab life by the balls and charge head first into all the great things I have been apparently missing in life.
Not the case.
I feel exhausted all the time. I am sleeping well, and getting up early and doing all the ‘right’ things …. But I feel so tired.
Is it my mind? Is it because what I am doing is mind over matter? All I do is think. I think about not drinking.
The other night, we went out to friends for dinner. I was nervous because these are my drinking friends. They all know that they can count on me to bring the booze and drink and have a grand old time.
Before the night even starts I get texted throughout the day with pictures of wine bottles and funny jokes about how they can’t wait to get their wine on with me. And that all the fixings for Caesars are ready for me….and for me to bring the rye because they know I go hard liquor after dinner…
But when I arrive I come with a veggie platter and flowers and no booze. Wine is offered and I say “No Thank You”. And I wait for the quizzical looks and the questions to start.
So I chose the TRUTH.
I tell them that I think I have a drinking problem.
At first they laugh, but when they see that I am not laughing and that I am actually quite serious they listen a little harder. To prove just how serious I am I show them the picture of all the booze I poured down the drain.
Now I have their attention. And just like my husband, their first reaction is to be mad and to call me a fool for ‘wasting’ all that booze. So I have to explain to them, as I did with my husband the reasons why it had to be done.
To me it is toxic and poison. And it has a hold on me. I didn’t have time to call someone to take it away and honestly, I didn’t want to give it away. I wanted to GET RID OF IT MY WAY.
Pouring it all down the drain was harder than giving it away.
Pouring it down the drain felt therapeutic. I felt in control. I felt I was winning. I felt myself feel fear, but at the same time after each bottle went down the drain I started to feel safer.
Is that weird? I don’t think so. If alcohol is my enemy, why would I want it in my house. And why would I give it to my friends. I don’t want it around.
So last night when I showed them the picture of all the bottles my friends believed me, and that was that. I was glad we didn’t have to get into it anymore. It can be uncomfortable for others who don’t have a problem to accept when you do. I did not want to ruin their fun and I don’t think I did. I was fun and we laughed and laughed. I actually felt more alive than before and more engaged. And I was taking in all these new feelings.
The habit and ritual of parties and drinking is very addictive. There were many times throughout the night when I went to grab my husband’s beer or wine for a sip…. out of habit. But very quickly stopped myself. I don’t think anyone noticed. But the unconscious habit was there and my mind had to kick in quickly to stop myself.
And I think that is why I am tired.
Being strong. Using your mind. Being engaged. Feeling every emotion. Being aware of your surroundings. Being responsible for your behaviour and having nothing to use as an excuse for bad behaviour or bad choices. Watching your friends drink, and happy for them that they don’t have a problem and wishing you didn’t and could join them.
This is all so tiring.
But as I read about the mind and our spirit and am learning that it is a practice and an exercise that comes over time. And like anything that is worth something, I am going to have to keep at it and not give up. I am going to have to know that I will get stronger and stronger every day and by becoming stronger I will become energized. And that is a day that I am looking forward to greatly!