Honesty is great.
But sometimes honesty is only great…..in the moment….
Honesty is great when you are telling the truth and talking about everyday things.
But honesty feels really empowering when you confess a dark secret…..one that weighs you down… one that you want others to know about because you feel that if they know, you will be held accountable.
Honesty is great… until it isn’t.
When I honestly told my husband, mother and sister that I have a serious drinking problem and decided then and there to stop drinking, I felt on top of the world. I finally said it! I even proved that I was OVER it by taking every bottle, old, opened and new and poured it all down the drain….oh some 20 bottles. Each bottle disappearing. Each bottle feeling like I was finally over it. Each bottle a representation of how strong and determined I am to never drink again.
Honesty comes sometimes at your weakest moment. It’s the moment when you realize that if you don’t tell someone….something bad is going to happen. In that moment…. That is all you feel. That is all you know.
Then you honestly feel proud of yourself! You did it! You confessed and now everyone still loves you and supports you and will be there for you no matter what. You knew that this would be the outcome because your family is AMAZING. They have their shit together and you’re the messy person that they know needs their help. And you are so grateful for it…..at that moment.
Then you start to move on. You feel so great every day you don’t have a drink. You think how easy this is. It is easy because it is taking you 4 days to fully recover from the last night you hung out with the bottle. Who needs you anymore… I feel great!!!
You start to feel stronger….like maybe I didn’t have a problem. Maybe I was over exaggerating. Because now that I am feeling stronger….I feel like I want a drink. I become bored of being good.
GOOD IS BORING!
I want a drink……
I call my mom and ask for permission to buy a bottle of wine….just for tonight. I don’t need it… I just would like some with my pizza when I get home. DECLINED. NO. You have a problem…. Do not buy any wine.
CRAP!!!!!! Why did I tell her!
I text my husband…. “Should I get wine on my way home???”
Why did I tell him!
Now I have no where to go but home where there is NO WINE!
So I decide to write.
I want a drink…..
But I will not because my honesty has put me on spectacle for my family. I am not allowed to fail. Which is probably a good thing. But being honest has also trapped me. Being honest actually is bringing me regret tonight. Regret because….
I want a drink……
My husband is confused because I am honest and tell him that a glass of wine would go so great with our pizza, and my day has been hard. Our routine on Friday night is gone. How fun is it to eat pizza with water??? Not fun. And it tastes like shite….but I guess water is my new wine.
I guess I need to read more about other alcoholics and how they got through the first few weeks. Drinking is a habit, like smoking and eating….and the habit feels great…in the moment.
What I HAVE to remember is the moment in the morning when I wake up and feel like absolute dirt and hate myself. That is the moment that is NOT FUN. That is the moment that brings me to my lowest. Those are the repeated moments that propelled me to honesty.
What I know is…..
I want a drink.
I want to have fun.
Water does not taste like wine and sucks with pizza.
I am tired and weak but need to be strong.
I am happy that I poured all the booze down the drain and there is nothing in the house.
I am weaker than I know.
I am stronger than I know.
I want to wake up feeling good.
I will eat my pizza with water.
I will hang on to my rope tonight.
And thank God that I have a BIG knot!