You and I are breaking up.

The bottle…no more….I now know… you are the poison that I have kept pouring into myself, thinking you were healing me… but you are killing me.

It’s not going to be an easy break up, like the ones where both parties agree and move on

This is going to be a very messy breakup.  The kind that keeps me thinking, yearning and wanting.

This is going to be the kind of break up that makes me want to write out my every thought.

I haven’t had a break up like this in over 10 years.

A break up that shattered me and I thought I would never recover.  The ones that drove me to you each and every time.  And I am grateful I guess that you were there.

You are always there.  Because I keep you around.  I make sure that you are accessible to me.  Because you fill me up and satisfy my every urge.

But now you are like the others.  But it has taken me a lot longer to figure this out.

What am I saying…. You are worse than all the others…. You are the one that I have cheated with, sacrificed with, lied about, shared, encouraged others to want you as much as I want you.  I have wasted my money on you, my health on you, my mind on you, my sleep on you, my work on you, sunny days on you, productive nights on you.  Over and over again.

But now we have GOT to break up.  I know I will miss you…sometimes.  And there will be those times when I will feel that I cannot live without you.  I will want you back in my life. Back in my house.   And I know you are going to want me too.  You will show up.  At a party I am going to.  Dinner with friends.  Vacations. Birthdays.  Celebrations.  All of the most important times of my life that are still coming up, you are going to be there.  Taunting me and wanting me to want you and have you.

But no more.

You are done to me.

You have messed me up too much. You have left me feeling empty, alone, shameful and full of hate for myself.

Every morning when I wake up and think about our night together I only feel HATE.  I HATE MYSELF!!!!  I HATE YOU!!! And I feel this way all day until you call me up every night and want me to want you again.

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NO MORE.

I don’t want to hate myself anymore.  I want to LOVE myself.

This is going to be the hardest.  To LOVE myself.

You have taken almost everything from me.  I am at the end of my rope.  But the one thing I have always known about myself is that I am smart.  Smarter than you and I have to remember that.  I am tying a knot to the end of this rope and holding on for dear life.

I am going to hang on.  I know the rope is going to swing and spin and try and make me let go or fall.  But I have strong hands and a strong grip.  This time I am not going to let you shake me off.  This time I AM GOING TO HANG ON.

That is what I am doing now.  Hanging on.

I am going to hang on until the rope stops spinning.  I am going to try and keep as still as possible.  And when it stops…. I am going to start to climb.  One pull at a time.  Hand over hand.  I am so heavy right now.  The baggage I am carrying is so heavy that hanging on is the hardest thing I will ever do.  But I know that the day is coming soon when I will be able to make the first move and put that hand up over the other.  The baggage will start to fall away and I will start to get lighter and the pulling up will become easier.  I know this in my heart of hearts to be true.

So this is where we stand.  I have broken up with you.  GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. STAY OUT OF MY WAY.  I DON’T NEED YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU.  WE ARE OVER!!!!!!!!

All I want is my rope and my knot.

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