Today is day three and I am going to hold myself accountable to get to day four, and day five, and day six….and more.
I am sharing this, because it is hard. This journey is hard because it is a battle of the self. And no matter what anyone says or tries to do, in the end only I can make the change.
And that is a very lonely and scary place to be.
I think and wonder how did I get here? How did this all start? But most importantly, how is this going to end? How am I going to master this addiction that controls me? How do you break free and begin anew?
You take accountability.
That is the answer I have come up with.
I tried taking accountability in my home. In private. With my family.
We had a calendar and every day was a smiley face for a no drinking day, and a sad face for a drinking day. In the mornings when I was able to put up a smiley face, it was the very first thing I would do, before anything else. On the mornings when I had to put up a sad face…I procrastinated and shamefully drew the two eyes and upside down smile. I looked and questioned why. Why wasn’t I stronger? And then promised that there would be a smiley face the next day.
But no matter how many smiley faces there were on the calendar, those sad faces stood out more than anything. So, I questioned this accountability. Why was I allowing there to be sad faces? I know I have a problem. Why am I not fixing it? And why am I not fixing it now? Immediately?
Because it is hard. And even though I am writing this blog, I was writing more about my failings than my successes. And that is confusing. When I think about it, as strange as it may seem, failing is way easier than succeeding.
So, I made my successes and accountability private, in my own home, surrounded by love and support and understanding and forgiveness.
But that still wasn’t working.
So now, I have a new plan. I am making myself publicly accountable. And, as the old saying goes, there is no better time than TODAY.
Spring has just arrived.
To me Spring represents NEW BEGINNINGS.
I like that word!
Growth, blooming and striving to come out from the dead of winter. To reach towards the sun and sky. To blossom and reveal the beauty that has been hidden in the dark season of life.
So today is my day three, but it is also my NEW BEGINNING.
My stretch to the light.
A new dawn is coming and I am going to make sure that I am fully present for each moment of it.
An old friend said to me today, “you may share your past with others, but your moment of healing, acceptance and recovery will come at different times and each in your own way. ”
This is so true. I had never thought about it like that before.
Everyone’s journey is different. And that is what life is all about. We get up each day and we have our life in front of us and we have choices.
We are so fortunate to have choices!
And I am going to start making the right choices 😊 to fill my days with smiley faces and goodness and pride in myself.
I know I can do this. I am one and you are many. So, when the sun goes down and the night closes in, I will think of all of you, my loves, my family, my husband, my son.
And be accountable.
These words could have been mine, should be mine. I never thought of my increasing drinking as a “problem” and now I realize it’s hard to just have one and having a drink without my husband or a friend somehow has become a new normal. I want to stop too.
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I totally understand everything you are saying and going through. One day you will just realize that this isn’t working for you anymore…and you will want to make a change. I am working on this one day at a time. A friend of mine who hasn’t drank in over 10 years said something to me that really helped put things into perspective. He said that a hard day sober is ten times better than a easy day hung over. Which is totally true! Good luck and let’s work together to do this!!!!