Not drinking is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.
I knew that this was going to be a big challenge. But I was going to do it! No matter how difficult, I was strong enough to overcome this.
But then why haven’t I stopped yet?
I tell myself that every day is a clean slate. Every day is day one. And I believe that I will make it through.
Some days I do. And those days are great, and I wish I could bottle that feeling. The feeling of being clear headed, awake, energized, stronger… just better.
And some days are a simple disaster.
My mind has become a superior negotiator. The fight back and forth is epic. And if I am slightly weak, the negotiator always comes out on top.
And I drink.
And the next day is day one again.
I have gone 8 days in a row, I think, without drinking. I know it doesn’t seem like much…but for me…it seriously was a big deal.
But then the negotiator appears with all the arguments to why we should hit the restart button.
Through writing, I now understand that drinking is numbing my pain and vulnerability. And because of this knowledge, the negotiator has had to become more demanding and more skilled in the delivery of excuses.
The excuses are now well crafted, intellectually manipulative reasoning’s.
The justification then becomes forgivable.
My soul, my mind, my body… a sponge. Absorbing everything around me. Debilitating my ability to fight myself.
All the promises…broken.
I don’t know how to do this. I really don’t.
Some days I think I have it all under control. And these days I am a warrior. I battle my days and come out a winner. And some days, the battle is lost before it has even started.
Today is another day one.
The emotional decay of the past rose to the surface last night. The turmoil, doubt, confusion and mistakes made by others, yet leaving a path of heartache for everyone involved.
On these nights, the negotiator is in charge and I follow its lead. And I am more than happy to.
But in the morning, the pain is still there. The reasoning and excuses of the negotiator do not seem as convincing in the morning light, as they do when the darkness of the night envelopes the misery around me.
A question was asked. Why now?
And this question is so good. Short. Simple. But profound and extremely difficult to answer.
I don’t have the answer.
But for me, I need to ask why not now? Why don’t I stop drinking right now? This is all I have to do. Why can’t I do it?
And when I don’t have the answer ,the night can not come quick enough, because I feel that the good is all gone.
So, I need to recharge, reset myself and begin again.
I need to sleep. To be still. To self heal and regain my strength somehow, so that there are no longer day ones.
The negotiator needs to be obliterated. I wish I could take a grenade and detonate it so that there were no remains to be found for all the excuses and false guidance the negotiator offers.
My mind is a convoy of good and evil, swirling inside me. And I know that good always wins over evil. So tonight, when my head rests on the pillow, my mind will swirl with all that is good. All that is possible. Because when I wake up it won’t be day one anymore…it will be day two and I will be stronger.