I have been feeling so much anxiety about writing lately. I haven’t written anything in over a year. And it’s not because I haven’t wanted to. My mind writes a blog post probably every day. But to actually sit down at the computer and write… well I don’t know; I just haven’t been able to.
I think a lot of it has to do with guilt.
Guilt that I was drinking. And that I hadn’t been able to completely quit.
I have been trying to have a relationship with alcohol. And I am realizing that it just isn’t going to be possible. I started the Female Project 3 years ago. When I had hit rock bottom. I had almost made it to 300 days sober, but fumbled when we went on a family vacation to Disneyland. Those few drinks during our time away has created a pendulum swing in me ever since.
I wanted to be able to have a drink when I was on vacation.
I wanted to be able to drink with my friends.
I wanted to celebrate special occasions like everyone else with champagne cheer.
I wanted to unwind at the end of a crazy week with a rye and coke.
Instead, what has happened was that as everyone around me was just having their one or two, I was having my 6th, 7th or more…
Maybe they were having more than I realized.
Maybe they were feeling as shitty as I was the next morning.
Maybe they were not themselves until 3pm.
Or, maybe not.
Who knows and really why do I even think about that?
The most important thing to think about is what it is that I am doing.
Why is it that MY body cannot just have one drink?
It is really so frustrating because I just HATE the word ‘alcoholic’. But when you cannot just have one drink….is that what you are?
I am a very thirsty drinker. Meaning that I gulp my drinks down. I don’t savour them, even though I crave them. My mind is calculating the whole time how much I will need to drink to get to the point that it’s time for bed and I will just pass out.
And the next morning the pendulum swings the other way.
I wake up feeling horrible and create a whole action plan for how I am never going to drink again. I have this self talk with myself throughout the day. And I can literally feel the strength in my convictions as I take my shower and get ready to face the day. And as the day moves on, I am still thinking about how I will be different tonight. But as I begin to feel better, I also begin feeling slightly weaker. The day has been long and hard and the pendulum is slowly moving the wrong way.
I get home and do all my motherly/wifely duties. I’ll even throw some exercise in the mix here and there. Thinking this will keep me on course.
But then the moment comes when I kiss my son goodnight and walk out of his room. I close the door behind me. And as the door clicks shut, I stand there with my hand on the knob. Lost.
I am lost.
I could clean, do laundry, tidy up, write, read, go to bed.
Just go to bed……
Or, I could just have one drink.
I deserve it. I have navigated through the day. I have been successful. I have been a great mother, wife and worked hard at my job.
I deserve this drink.
The voice in my head from the morning is further and further away. I almost cannot hear her anymore.
I am 10 days sober.
I have made it through 10 nights.
And I am going to make it through another 10 nights.
I have been contemplating AA.
Why? Because this is hard. And I am learning that having a shared experience can be better than being alone.
I haven’t gone yet, but the fact that I just wrote it, is big for me.
I drove by a church the other day and saw a sign on the front door.
I wonder what it is like when you are there.
What kind of people will be there?
I wonder how it works.
What will I have to say?
Does it work?
I believe it must.
I’ve made it to day 10 because all the alcohol is gone from my home. We are currently a ‘dry’ home. And believe it or not this makes me feel safe. Safe from myself. I don’t trust myself if it is in the house.
I begin this journey again having 10 days behind me, a ‘dry’ house and an eye on AA, I am feeling a shift inside that is telling me that this time is different. I really want it this time. It’s not worth it anymore.
I will keep you posted!