When You Can’t Just Have One Drink …. Are you an Alcoholic?

I have been feeling so much anxiety about writing lately. I haven’t written anything in over a year. And it’s not because I haven’t wanted to. My mind writes a blog post probably every day. But to actually sit down at the computer and write… well I don’t know; I just haven’t been able to.

I think a lot of it has to do with guilt.

Guilt that I was drinking. And that I hadn’t been able to completely quit.

I have been trying to have a relationship with alcohol. And I am realizing that it just isn’t going to be possible. I started the Female Project 3 years ago. When I had hit rock bottom. I had almost made it to 300 days sober, but fumbled when we went on a family vacation to Disneyland. Those few drinks during our time away has created a pendulum swing in me ever since.

I wanted to be able to have a drink when I was on vacation.

I wanted to be able to drink with my friends.

I wanted to celebrate special occasions like everyone else with champagne cheer.

I wanted to unwind at the end of a crazy week with a rye and coke.

Instead, what has happened was that as everyone around me was just having their one or two, I was having my 6th, 7th or more…

Maybe they were having more than I realized.

Maybe they were feeling as shitty as I was the next morning.

Maybe they were not themselves until 3pm.

Or, maybe not.

Who knows and really why do I even think about that?

The most important thing to think about is what it is that I am doing.

Why is it that MY body cannot just have one drink?

It is really so frustrating because I just HATE the word ‘alcoholic’. But when you cannot just have one drink….is that what you are?

I am a very thirsty drinker. Meaning that I gulp my drinks down. I don’t savour them, even though I crave them. My mind is calculating the whole time how much I will need to drink to get to the point that it’s time for bed and I will just pass out.

And the next morning the pendulum swings the other way.

I wake up feeling horrible and create a whole action plan for how I am never going to drink again. I have this self talk with myself throughout the day. And I can literally feel the strength in my convictions as I take my shower and get ready to face the day. And as the day moves on, I am still thinking about how I will be different tonight. But as I begin to feel better, I also begin feeling slightly weaker. The day has been long and hard and the pendulum is slowly moving the wrong way.

I get home and do all my motherly/wifely duties. I’ll even throw some exercise in the mix here and there. Thinking this will keep me on course.

But then the moment comes when I kiss my son goodnight and walk out of his room. I close the door behind me. And as the door clicks shut, I stand there with my hand on the knob. Lost.

Now what.

It’s 9pm.

Now what.

I am lost.

I could clean, do laundry, tidy up, write, read, go to bed.

Just go to bed……

Or, I could just have one drink.

I deserve it. I have navigated through the day. I have been successful. I have been a great mother, wife and worked hard at my job.

I deserve this drink.

The voice in my head from the morning is further and further away. I almost cannot hear her anymore.

Almost…

I am 10 days sober.

I have made it through 10 nights.

And I am going to make it through another 10 nights.

I have been contemplating AA.

Why? Because this is hard. And I am learning that having a shared experience can be better than being alone.

I haven’t gone yet, but the fact that I just wrote it, is big for me.

I drove by a church the other day and saw a sign on the front door.

I wonder what it is like when you are there.

What kind of people will be there?

I wonder how it works.

What will I have to say?

Does it work?

I believe it must.

I’ve made it to day 10 because all the alcohol is gone from my home. We are currently a ‘dry’ home. And believe it or not this makes me feel safe. Safe from myself. I don’t trust myself if it is in the house.

I begin this journey again having 10 days behind me, a ‘dry’ house and an eye on AA, I am feeling a shift inside that is telling me that this time is different. I really want it this time. It’s not worth it anymore.

I will keep you posted!