I thought I was pregnant … but I AM NOT.

I’ve thought I was pregnant many times… but I WASN’T.

When will this end.

This dream.

Hope.

Expectation.

Wish.

Disappointment.

Dread.

Truth.

I cannot get pregnant…. naturally.

I know I am not alone, and that there are millions of other women like me, but when I think about this…this uncontrollable incapability… it creates an ache in me that turns to a form of insanity.

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My mind becomes my biggest enemy.  Playing tricks on my thoughts, feelings and body.  It tricks me into thinking I’m pregnant…it really does!

And this time… being 3 months late, I knew I wasn’t pregnant.  I even took 2 pregnancy tests- both negative (what a waste of money) ☹

At 43, there is a very strong, logical explanation— I must be heading towards menopause.  GREAT! UGH!

But nope, regardless of this logic, my secret mind builds this world of a child growing inside me.  Filling me up and creating a new world, a new future.

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My son getting the sibling I’ve always longed for him to have.

My husband getting the little girl I know he has wished for.

Me getting the chance to smell that new born baby smell, snuggling and sleeping in my arms.

Oh, I have to go to the bathroom, better stop dreaming for a second.

Wipe.

All good.

No blood.

Better book an appointment with the doctor.  I could be one of those freak people that are pregnant even though the tests are negative.

She takes my blood and says it will take a few days, but those store-bought tests are pretty accurate.

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For the last three months, as I go about my everyday, the thought of being pregnant is always on my mind. And every trip to the washroom, I hold my breath…. No blood.

Could this really be happening?

Could this be my miracle?

Has the fact that I stopped drinking fixed me?

Even though I am older perhaps this is just going to be my story….She tried her whole life, and when she least expected it she became pregnant!

Great expectations.

Oh, I have to go to the washroom.

Great disappointment.

Blood.

When I least expected it.

SNAP back to reality.

What was I thinking!  Why do I do this to myself…. over, and over and over again.

I know better.  I do, I really do.

And then I sit and think, and know that this isn’t what I want anymore.

Truly.

I am too old.  I know that.  And in my sane mind I know that having a baby right now would be all wrong.

I was meant to only have my one, beautiful, magical son.

I know that as a family, we are heading into good times.

We have all grown, and we are all moving in a direction of freedom and dreams.

We are good.

The three of us.

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I will never know why my body cannot do what it is naturally made to do.  And I accept that…now.

As I am getting older I am looking forward to the future.  Of Logan growing older and becoming a man.  Guiding him and watching him navigate this complex world.  Being able to share our stories and grow.

I look forward to my marriage changing, evolving.  Working on being a couple again, yet always being parents, but getting that more intimate one on one time, we had at the beginning.

I dream now of travelling, moving, getting healthy and fit.

And yes, I do look forward to menopause.  Knowing that this will free me of the craziness that enters my mind sometimes.

I stop and listen to Logan and his dad playing a game in the kitchen while I write.

I am Thankful.

Thankful that I was blessed with the help of doctors to have my very own family.

Thankful for the health, life and energy of my 8-year-old.

And thankful that I was able to experience life growing inside me.

The expectation of Logan’s arrival into this world filled my days with glory.

And holding him in my arms filled my soul with Thanks.

We all have our story and path to follow.

As we hold our breath with expectations, know that we are given what we can handle, and with that let’s be thankful.

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