The darkness comes sometimes when I least expect it.

Getting ready for work.

Cooking dinner.

Writing.

My eye sight starts to blur, and my peripheral vision disappears. Forcing me to focus on what is right in front of me.

My hands get shaky and my upper lip starts to sweat.

I begin to feel faint and then my brain feels like it wants to split in half.

I sit and I wait.

Scared and confused.

This is starting to happen more and more, and I don’t know why.

I am changing for the better…I think.

I am not drinking…on day 59 today….

But this happened twice on the weekend and then when I was trying to get ready for work.

Everything came to a stand still.

I couldn’t function.

I felt so tired.

Just so tired.

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It took everything I had to get my son to school.

Bad choice… I now see.  I should have called a friend to drive him.

But we made it there and he kissed me and said he loved me and off he went.

I drove myself to the emergency.

In my professional clothes for work, I walk in, tears streaming down my face, mascara everywhere.

I don’t care.

I know I need help.

Someone.

I am admitted and put on IV, as I tell them perhaps I have a brain tumor, or cancer…something really big.

The doctor listens and checks my vitals.  My blood pressure is very high.  But everything else is normal.

They put me in a comfortable room and I begin to relax.

I feel good being there.

It feels good to be taken care of.

They put a warm blanket on me and I begin to relax even more.

The medication in the IV is working I guess.

I am thankful to see one of my good friends.

She is worried and has come to sit with me.

My head is still hurting.

But my body is relaxing.

My blood pressure has come down. And the doctor comes in to tell me that I have experienced an anxiety attack.

Anxiety Attack…okay… but I didn’t feel anxious when it happened.

But the mind is much stronger than we think it is, I guess.

I am still muddling through this, as my head is still throbbing.

I went home and slept.

I slept the whole day and straight through the night.

This morning I took my son to school, came home and went straight to bed.  I just got up now…at 2pm…but honestly, I could easily still sleep. And my head still hurts and I still feel so tired.

So, I decided to write.

To share.

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I have been struggling with depression I think most of my life, and anxiety really surfaced for me when my son was born.  I will share all of this later on.

But anxiety attacks are new.

This has just started to happen the last few months….

Since I stopped drinking really.

What is the correlation? I don’t know yet.

Maybe I am feeling more?

Maybe I am no longer numbed by the alcohol.

But this feeling sucks as well.

So, mind over matter is what they say.

Now that I am working on the alcohol…I guess I should really be starting to look at the why’s?

The why’s might help my mind.

That is what I am going to start to do.

But on a positive note.  During these last few days, alcohol has been the last thing on my mind.

And this makes me so happy and proud to say that today is day 59!

Almost at 2 months.

One more day.

Just Breathe

breathe