Posted in My Relationship with Alcohol

Honesty– A Double Edged Sword

 

Honesty is great.

But sometimes honesty is only great…..in the moment….

Honesty is great when you are telling the truth and talking about everyday things.

But honesty feels really empowering when you confess a dark secret…..one that weighs you down… one that you want others to know about because you feel that if they know, you will be held accountable.

Honesty is great… until it isn’t.

When I honestly told my husband, mother and sister that I have a serious drinking problem and decided then and there to stop drinking, I felt on top of the world.  I finally said it!  I even proved that I was OVER it by taking every bottle, old, opened and new and poured it all down the drain….oh some 20 bottles. Each bottle disappearing.  Each bottle feeling like I was finally over it.  Each bottle a representation of how strong and determined I am to never drink again.

Honesty comes sometimes at your weakest moment.  It’s the moment when you realize that if you don’t tell someone….something bad is going to happen.  In that moment…. That is all you feel.  That is all you know.

Then you honestly feel proud of yourself!  You did it!  You confessed and now everyone still loves you and supports you and will be there for you no matter what.  You knew that this would be the outcome because your family is AMAZING.  They have their shit together and you’re the messy person that they know needs their help.  And you are so grateful for it…..at that moment.

Then you start to move on.  You feel so great every day you don’t have a drink.  You think how easy this is.  It is easy because it is taking you 4 days to fully recover from the last night you hung out with the bottle.  Who needs you anymore… I feel great!!!

You start to feel stronger….like maybe I didn’t have a problem.  Maybe I was over exaggerating.  Because now that I am feeling stronger….I feel like I want a drink.  I become bored of being good.

GOOD IS BORING!

I want a drink……

I call my mom and ask for permission to buy a bottle of wine….just for tonight.  I don’t need it… I just would like some with my pizza when I get home.  DECLINED. NO. You have a problem…. Do not buy any wine.

CRAP!!!!!! Why did I tell her!

I text my husband…. “Should I get wine on my way home???”

DECLINE.  NO.

CRAP!!!!

Why did I tell him!

Now I have no where to go but home where there is NO WINE!

So I decide to write.

I want a drink…..

But I will not because my honesty has put me on spectacle for my family.  I am not allowed to fail. Which is probably a good thing.  But being honest has also trapped me.  Being honest actually is bringing me regret tonight.  Regret because….

I want a drink……

My husband is confused because I am honest and tell him that a glass of wine would go so great with our pizza, and my day has been hard. Our routine on Friday night is gone.  How fun is it to eat pizza with water??? Not fun. And it tastes like shite….but I guess water is my new wine.

That’s depressing.

I guess I need to read more about other alcoholics and how they got through the first few weeks.  Drinking is a habit, like smoking and eating….and the habit feels great…in the moment.

What I HAVE to remember is the moment in the morning when I wake up and feel like absolute dirt and hate myself.  That is the moment that is NOT FUN.  That is the moment that brings me to my lowest.  Those are the repeated moments that propelled me to honesty.

So

What I know is…..

I want a drink.

Bad

I want to have fun.

Water does not taste like wine and sucks with pizza.

I am tired and weak but need to be strong.

I am happy that I poured all the booze down the drain and there is nothing in the house.

I am weaker than I know.

I am stronger than I know.

I want to wake up feeling good.

I will eat my pizza with water.

I will hang on to my rope tonight.

And thank God that I have a BIG knot!

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Posted in My Relationship with Alcohol

The Break Up

You and I are breaking up.

The bottle…no more….I now know… you are the poison that I have kept pouring into myself, thinking you were healing me… but you are killing me.

It’s not going to be an easy break up, like the ones where both parties agree and move on

This is going to be a very messy breakup.  The kind that keeps me thinking, yearning and wanting.

This is going to be the kind of break up that makes me want to write out my every thought.

I haven’t had a break up like this in over 10 years.

A break up that shattered me and I thought I would never recover.  The ones that drove me to you each and every time.  And I am grateful I guess that you were there.

You are always there.  Because I keep you around.  I make sure that you are accessible to me.  Because you fill me up and satisfy my every urge.

But now you are like the others.  But it has taken me a lot longer to figure this out.

What am I saying…. You are worse than all the others…. You are the one that I have cheated with, sacrificed with, lied about, shared, encouraged others to want you as much as I want you.  I have wasted my money on you, my health on you, my mind on you, my sleep on you, my work on you, sunny days on you, productive nights on you.  Over and over again.

But now we have GOT to break up.  I know I will miss you…sometimes.  And there will be those times when I will feel that I cannot live without you.  I will want you back in my life. Back in my house.   And I know you are going to want me too.  You will show up.  At a party I am going to.  Dinner with friends.  Vacations. Birthdays.  Celebrations.  All of the most important times of my life that are still coming up, you are going to be there.  Taunting me and wanting me to want you and have you.

But no more.

You are done to me.

You have messed me up too much. You have left me feeling empty, alone, shameful and full of hate for myself.

Every morning when I wake up and think about our night together I only feel HATE.  I HATE MYSELF!!!!  I HATE YOU!!! And I feel this way all day until you call me up every night and want me to want you again.

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NO MORE.

I don’t want to hate myself anymore.  I want to LOVE myself.

This is going to be the hardest.  To LOVE myself.

You have taken almost everything from me.  I am at the end of my rope.  But the one thing I have always known about myself is that I am smart.  Smarter than you and I have to remember that.  I am tying a knot to the end of this rope and holding on for dear life.

I am going to hang on.  I know the rope is going to swing and spin and try and make me let go or fall.  But I have strong hands and a strong grip.  This time I am not going to let you shake me off.  This time I AM GOING TO HANG ON.

That is what I am doing now.  Hanging on.

I am going to hang on until the rope stops spinning.  I am going to try and keep as still as possible.  And when it stops…. I am going to start to climb.  One pull at a time.  Hand over hand.  I am so heavy right now.  The baggage I am carrying is so heavy that hanging on is the hardest thing I will ever do.  But I know that the day is coming soon when I will be able to make the first move and put that hand up over the other.  The baggage will start to fall away and I will start to get lighter and the pulling up will become easier.  I know this in my heart of hearts to be true.

So this is where we stand.  I have broken up with you.  GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. STAY OUT OF MY WAY.  I DON’T NEED YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU.  WE ARE OVER!!!!!!!!

All I want is my rope and my knot.

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Posted in My Relationship with Alcohol

Dirty Little Secrets

Dirty Little Secrets…

We all have one.

Or many.

Demons, monsters in the closet, unanswered questions, untold stories, unforgivable sins, guilty consciences, mistakes, addictions, abuse, neglect, loneliness, depression, violations, the list goes on.

Dirty little secrets are often things we cannot even admit to ourselves, let alone confess to others.

We live in a world right now where we are bombarded by the impossible.

The Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest world that is the ‘real deal’.

Supposedly.

It is the biggest propaganda out there.  Hear something enough, read something enough, see something enough and you will believe it.  This propaganda is poisoning our minds, our souls, our hearts.  We know we will never be good enough.  How can we be.  We are real. But we are not the ‘real deal’.  We are the real ‘wannabe’s’.

We try.  We try everyday.  We think in Facebook posts.  We take a picture more for what others will think than on the treasure and keepsake of it.  We are a commodity now.  We market our self worth and we hope that people will like our product by the amount of likes and hearts we receive.

The dirty little secrets start to weave their way through our bodies, our minds, our souls…..until the weave snaps.  That day is a hard day.  But it is the best day.  It is the day of truth.  And truth is the best medicine there is.  Truth sets you free.  This saying hasn’t been used for decades for no reason.

Truth.

Who are you?

Truth.

If you could post the REAL you on social media… what would it be.  Are you scared to share it?  Do you think others will think less of you?  Will you disappoint your viewers?  Will you be less than?

Who are you?

More than likely you are not your posts on Facebook.  That snap shot that captures your day.  The message that tells the world how OK you are.  How everything is fine and how nothing could be better than it is right now.

Who are you?

Did you smile all day?  Was your hair perfect all day?  Did your child listen to everything you said today? Are they really that angelic all day? Was that walk through the forest, or the selfie on the beach as perfect as it looked?  I think not.

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Wouldn’t it be great if there was a site that was real.   A place where you could discover who you REALLY are?  A place when you are asked the question,

“Who are you?”

And you knew the answer.

Where there is no propaganda, and where you don’t have to sell your self to anyone.

The struggle is real.

The failures are real.

The mess is real.

Life is hard.

And the sad thing is…. That is the beauty.  And we hide it in the closet.  The dirty little secrets of life. The truth.  Us. Who we really are.

Isn’t that a shame ?

Why do we do it?  We need to change this.  I want to change this. I am going to change this.

Life is not about the gravy, its about the meat and potatoes.  Let’s get the nourishment we need.  Let’s fill our minds, hearts and soul with the bountiful fruits of life.

Let’s share our hardships, lets reveal our mistakes, lets share our tears.

There is no shame in that.

Shame comes from not trusting in yourself and in people you surround yourself with.

We all need to look in the mirror.  The real mirror.  Not the mirror where you can change the filter.  The mirror that hides the imperfections and shows the false you.  We need to look at the non-filtered mirror and love ourselves.  Share ourselves.  Be proud of ourselves.

Everyday is a struggle. Share your dirty little secrets.  Be free.  Be honest. Be truthful.

I am here.

I know.

I understand.

BE  YOU!

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